Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
