she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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