my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize