I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
