he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
