Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
