my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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