he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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