he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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