my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
