I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
