I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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