I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
