I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
