; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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