who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
