I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
