i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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