I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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