So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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