plz talk dirty to me
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
