wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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