We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
