My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
