Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
