He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
