I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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