fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
