You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
