I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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