I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
