Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
