Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
