Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
