two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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