it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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