I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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