its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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