i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
