Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
