I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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