Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
