hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
