Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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