Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
