So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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