I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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