Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
