they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I will pee on everything he values.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize