Yo dont text me then not text me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize