So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can I color on your dick again?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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