Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
