his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Someone shattered a urinal.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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