Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I love you. Go after that dick
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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