I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
