how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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