Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
