Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
