hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
