cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
