There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
