I skipped work to stalk him.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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