There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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