Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
