he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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